K, so I totally suffer from "guilty mom syndrome".
You know, when you're at the end of the day (or week) and you're just not feeling like you've been the best mom you could possibly be, so the guilt starts to creep in.
The guilt is usually unbearable as I imagine all of the other mom's in the neighborhood sitting in their perfectly clean and organized homes, all lovingly helping their kids with their homework and piano. Patiently, taking time to read and do flashcards with each child. There's no fighting. No need for chores because the perfect mom and housewife has already done all of them. The kids only talking in whispers, never yelling or arguing. Meals are always homemade from scratch. These moms probably put down everything they are doing to play and interact with the kids all the while keeping a spotless house and did I mention, they are all showered, with full hair and makeup done, looking and smelling great!
(As you can see in the picture below, I'm not quite there yet. This is how I look on most days. (Yes, I actually leave the house like this.) Sweats, hair back in a messy bun & head band, no makeup, totally overweight and out of shape, with dark circles under my eyes, covered in who knows what and a shower... what's a shower? All of my friends complain about these same things and tell me, they too, live in sweats but I'm pretty sure I take the frumpy housewife look to a whole new level.)
Well today has been one of those days. Or should I just confess and say one of those months. When I was younger I thought I was going to be a great mom. I was 100% confident that it would it be a snap! I mean I babysat all of the time and I was truly great at it. Yeah that's right...I am tooting my own horn!!
A few of the things that I hadn't quite factored in when transitioning from a babysitter to a full time mom were...
-You don't get to clock out after 3 hours of watching the kids.
-You don't get paid.
-While babysitting I was never recovering from giving birth, or having a "BUTT" surgery (If ya know what I mean).
-You get to babysit at someone else's house, which was either just cleaned before you arrived or fun to clean because it wasn't your own home.
-I was a babysitter from ages 9-15, therefore got a lot of sleep and had a lot of ENERGY. Not so much now.
-You could devote all of your time to playing games, coloring, play dough, and watching movies with the kids, there was no disciplining or teaching involved.
-As a babysitter I never balanced a checkbook, ran errands, took kids to the doctors, held a church calling, ran a home based business, did yard work, or helped them with homework, piano, and sports.
-The kids I babysat were so happy and excited to see me, they rarely fought or acted up. They wanted all of their time with me to be fun filled. They couldn't wait to see what I had brought to do with them.
Another thing that I had always envisioned when I thought of being a mom was that there would be a dad always hanging around by my side to help me out. I don't know if my visions of the future always took place on Saturdays, when dads were home or what, but welcome to the real world, I guess. Don't get me wrong, Dan is an awesome dad and usually splits the load with me really well. But there is this funny little thing called "work" that seems to take him away, for several hours of the day and I am left with all of the household responsibilities and child rearing to myself. Ugh! I don't remember that in my youthful visions of the future.
Sometimes I wish I could walk around with a camera crew, because most of my days have to be seen to be believed. With 5 young kids, things are very chaotic, to say the least. Today has just been one of those days where I have a lot of mommy stuff to get done. (Bills, errands, volunteering at school, church callings, treats to be made for a kids class, phone calls, book work/taxes for Dan's business, thorough cleaning of the house so we can have our carpets cleaned, and the list goes on and on.)
Here's where the guilt comes in. Because I am sooooo overwhelmed and busy, this means that Kase watched a lot of TV today to keep occupied, and I had my 2 year old, Hudson, take 2 naps even though he usually only takes 1. When my older kids got home from school I was irritable, frustrated, very short tempered, and ready to cry. Yikes! Just one of those days I guess.
So after having a day where I feel like I have done everything under the sun, except being a good mom I start to feel guilty and I think, what can I do to make it up to them? I put down everything I'm doing and think of something they would think is fun to do. I usually hope that the activity will be fun enough and memorable enough that it will overshadow the gloominess and stress of the day, and lift my mood and hopefully drown out the kids memory of all the neglect and impatience.
So, here's my guilt reducing activity of choice for tonight...
It's a "no school day" tomorrow so I'm letting the kids stay up late for movies and fun.
We started our evening off with making homemade cinnamon rolls.
(Just like June Cleaver, Right? :)
The kids really enjoyed making these, "all by themselves". Yummy!
Next it was off to build them a fort in the playroom. To my kids, it's amazing what you can build with mom's help. They can never seem to keep their forts standing longer than 15mins., nor are they ever this big. Go Mom! They were way excited when it was finished and they could move all of their pillows and blankets into this big, circus tent, of a fort.
It's amazing to me that a few sheets and 6 clamps prove to be just as fun as they were when we were kids. You can never go wrong with a homemade fort! It's kind of like the cardboard box being the best Christmas gift a kid could get. It's cheap, it allows the use of imagination, and it spans the generations of time.
The kids played inside the fort for hours with lanterns and flashlights, we did an art project, they watched IGOR in their fort, ate cinnamon rolls, and had a sleepover in the fort. Super Fun Evening!
I'm so glad I could end my day devoting a few undivided hours to the kids tonight. It was kind of like I was just their babysitter.
I take comfort in knowing that no matter how many times I screw up, my family is right their to hug me, forgive me, help me, love me, and have fun with me.
Thank Goodness!
I really need to work on more balance. I really want to feel like a good mom for more than just a few hours a day. I can't keep going from the lowest of lows, and then swinging into a the super-mom mode for several hours, and then back to overstressed and over worked, feeling guilty about my imperfections.
Where is the balance? Hopefully I can get it figure it out before my kids move out of the house.
